Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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