A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
