I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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