Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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