the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
