Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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