Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
