i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize