Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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