a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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