She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
