a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
