Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
