I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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