i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
