my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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