I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
