she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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