I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
