good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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