Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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