On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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