i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
