Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
