I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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