the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize