Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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