I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
