Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
