Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
