some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
