Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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