Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
