I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize