Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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