My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
