just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
