First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you traded sex for a burrito?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
