my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
