I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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