I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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