Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
