I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
