Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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