i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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