My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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