I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize