The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
