Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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