I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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