In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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