I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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