He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I don't think brook has ever known best
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
