I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I showed him my bush... on skype.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
