i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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