i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
