i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
