I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Boobs are out for the taking
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
