took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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