I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
