if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
