i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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