i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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