i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
