Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize