omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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