It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
